Processing

Back in North America.

Now that I am back in the familiar confines of North America. I am finding myself disillusioned, a little confused, and widely disoriented on what my response "should be" to my two week experience in South Africa. Through a little jet lag in there  and you have a recipe for fatigue mixed with potential confusion. Processing digesting and thinking are my new dearest companions.

A camera is a wonderful communication tool. But if you are unwilling " to see " what you are seeing what is the point! I am responsible for what I see and thus must apply the necessary changes to my own life before I can be an effective communicator of my experiences.

For two weeks,  I know that I unintentionally hid behind my camera and somewhat used it as a crutch. I don't think this was "wrong" on my part. But, by doing so I was protecting my heart and emotions from  scaring, hardship, turmoil, and certain change. That are now begging and plaguing me for attention. ( I feel a concussion coming on, no one warned me about this)  

I have slowly and safely been taking down my walls. The eight foot walls of concrete ,razor wire, and electric fence that met us when entered Johannesburg resemble the ones I didn't even realize I had erected myself. Tearing down this " protection " has been harder than I imagined. 

I am now asking myself the question. Do I really want to change? Do I really want to implement the change to my own life by the very things I saw?  Do I even have the ability to make this change happen?

I have been protected from the pain and suffering of this  World by  Materialism, Excessiveness, and Greed. Can I get past this? Do I have the stamina to do so? 

Here comes that common, oft unwelcome relative of change; Tension. Embracing this friend and foe will be difficult at best but imperative if I am to survive this test of character.

Please don't get me wrong as I share this. I welcomed this into life and thus must reap the consequences of such a welcome. Which is this internal turmoil. Deep down I know it is good. So giving it all a big hug, I am.